I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
