A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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