she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
