Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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