When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
