Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize