It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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