This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
