We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
