I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
