God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
