You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
