i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize