just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
