I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
