why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
