i think i have two assholes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I supernannyed him into submission
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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