dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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