That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
