I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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