my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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