i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
