I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
