The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
