I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
