Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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