I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
