Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
