Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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