I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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