My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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