Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Everything about him screamed your future.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Let's get the cat blown out
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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