I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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