Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
