Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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