My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
