Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what day is it and did you see me today?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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