we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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