I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
