And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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