This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
