I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
