Apparently you make a good broom.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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