im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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