I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize