Did I show you my penis last night?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
