When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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