my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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