So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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