The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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