Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
