I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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