god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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