You're my little dorito
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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