"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think my moral compass just broke
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
