I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
