Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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