My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my sisters under your porch take her home
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
