I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
