Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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