i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
